Tempe Wakes Up to find itself in Hot Water

Photo Credit: Paul Saylor
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By: Ken Tanqueruss

Tempe residents were justifiably alarmed by the news they awoke to this morning. Distressed and disturbed.

Beginning at dawn, Tempe Town Lake was invaded by the media. Television crews could be seen on every bridge angling for the best view. Helicopters hovered overhead, disrupting flights at Sky Harbor – even causing a brief closure.

Reports began flooding in shortly after midnight following a loud, rumbling noise that preceded an ever-expanding crack along the lake bottom allowing hot water to bubble up in escape.

Was this a repeat of the 2010 downstream dam failure? City officials scrambled for answers.

With all the development along the lakeshore, officials tried to swiftly allay the fears of those who have invested hundreds of millions of dollars only to discover the cool, clear waters that once formed a picturesque lakefront was being rapidly displaced by a burbling cauldron.

Without a quick solution, officials knew they would be in hot water. That prompted Mayor Mark Mitchell to announce the immediate hiring of Eddie Fissure, the world’s authority on crevasses and volcanology.

Offering his first assessment on seeing the ever-growing rift, Fissure expressed little hope of containing the ever-widening rupture. Fissure’s colleague, Debby Rennolds-Rapp confirmed his initial evaluation.

Together the pair determined the hot water was emanating from an enormous underground reservoir that runs east past Mesa and northwest to Castle Hot Springs near Wickenburg.

A preliminary appraisal revealed the water is heavily laden with medicinal minerals.

While everyone bemoaned the disastrous situation, a big New York developer got wind of the problem. He is expected to fly in this afternoon with a “terrific” proposal that “will make the lake great again. Really great. Trust me,” he said.

In an early morning interview, just before departing for Tempe, he told this reporter he was already “lining up investors” for a project that will turn the fiasco into a “really, really huge success.”

While declaring how great his plan would be, developer Donald J. Hrumpf declined to give details except to say when his project is completed it will be “the biggest and best in Arizona.”

Hrumpf hinted his unprecedented plan calls for filling in the chasm with a wall – “a big, giant beautiful wall, even greater than the one in China,” which he believed he could get to invest in.

With Mesa’s Buckhorn Hot Mineral Wells and Baths closed since 1999, Hurmpf pointed out the Valley was long overdue for a tremendous health spa. And why not in Tempe?

Calling his project Magua Lago, Hrumpf envisions placing atop his great containment barrier, “a colossal resort. A really colossal one.”

Saying construction would begin immediately – “maybe as soon as today” – Hrumpf promised to work with the city and Mayor to reach the day in the very near future when he would be standing atop the wall’s Hrumpf Tower welcoming the tens of thousands thronging to Magua Lago.

Mayor Mitchell says if anyone could make Town Lake greater than it once was is Donald J. Hrumpf.

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